I need(ed) new clothes. I hadn’t bought any new clothes in forever. So, I was cruising around the Lane Bryant web site, checking out the wares, and completely lost my appetite for shopping. Why do all the clothes for Big Girls either:

A.) Have some swirly, whirly, weird pattern on it that is going to make you look bigger than you already are?

B.) Lack sleeves! Come on! I know it’s summer almost, but I don’t like to show off my upper arms.

C.) Have no business being worn by a Big Girl? You know, like pleather pants. PLEATHER PANTS.

D.) Look like an octogenarian would buy one in every color?

E.) Look like it came directly from Fat Whores R Us™? It’s like the pleather pants! There are some things a Big Girl has no business wearing. Seriously. Like a thong bathing suit.

Between the thong bathing suit and the pleather pants, I nearly had a stroke.