When you live in Cow Poke Country, getting an Ikea store is a big deal. I was personally quite excited about it, since I have heard people make such a fuss over Ikea. Yesterday, I was off from work, so I decided to check out the brand new Ikea. What a bloody horrible idea that was.

First, like when there is snow or a holiday, people around here lost their blasted minds. The opening of the store was deemed an “event,” which is normally reserved for concerts and such. Because it was an “event,” the police were everywhere: all over every access road to the store, everywhere inside the store, basically just all up in Ikea. At one point, I began to wonder if Ikea was selling the police officers there were so many of them.

Second, the store is 2 levels designed in some abstract maze-type style that was completely frustrating. I had to go upstairs to find out what I wanted to look at, bedding, was actually downstairs. Oh, and the elevator you came up in won’t take you back down. It only goes up, you see. Never down.

Let it never be said that the Mad Hatress isn’t amused by a bit of the nonsensical, but after you have made me walk 3.5 miles to find out that I really needed to be downstairs, the nonsensical starts to wear on the ole nerves. So, I get back downstairs, which is even more maze-like than the upper level, and finally find the bedding section, only to find out that Ikea doesn’t have any comforters or bedspreads. Quilt covers are what is “in.” QUILT COVERS. Do I look like I am an octogenarian with a storehouse of quilts that need covering?!?!

I was so irritated by this point I decided to just leave, except I couldn’t. Because I couldn’t find an exit. I was apparently being held hostage by Ikea. The maze just kept twisting and turning…I was ready to flag down one of the bazillion police officers in the store and report myself missing, held hostage, and see if we could begin negotiations to have me released (How many quilt covers do I need to buy to get out of here, Ikea? HOW MANY BLASTED COVERED???)

Finally, finally, finally, just as I was about to have my mail forwarded to Ikea because I was sure I was never leaving, I found an exit and literally ran out it. I never run. I was so glad to see the sky and the ground, I ran toward it and didn’t stop until I reached the safety of my car.

So to sum up, I thought Ikea was completely overrated, fuckheadedly too large, and designed and laid out by a troupe of blind mental patients. Don’t fall for the hype, y’all. Unless you have a burning desire to know what it feels like to be kidnapped, stay far, far away.