I had a surprise side effect from the weight loss yesterday. Maybe side effect is the wrong word. I guess I lost weight in a place I didn’t expect.

My feet have been killing me. I don’t really know why. So I went to DSW. A super nice sales person was helping find me shoes that might not produce torture-like pain in my size of 11. I’ve worn a size 11 shoe since I was 12 years-old. Just for the hell of it, I asked for one of those silver feet measure-y things. I put my foot in and stood up. Imagine my shock and consternation at seeing my toes even with the WOMEN’S SIZE 9 wide  line. I looked at it for a few minutes, mildly amused and certain that this contraption was lying to me. I marched over to the clearance section and, sure that it was never going to happen, I shoved my foot into a ladies size 9W Addidas.

I showed my sister and we both stood there, thoroughly bewildered. I decided that something was probably wrong with this particular pair of shoes, and proceeded to try on about 30000000000000000 more pairs of 9-9.5 Ws.

I left the store with two pairs of shoes I wouldn’t have been able to fit my foot into 6 weeks ago.

Who knew??

I wish I could unlearn it. It’s dangerous to know this. All through high school, I wished that I was one of those people who could vomit on command. I know now how terrible that is for you, but I was 16. All I knew was I was tired of being the fat girl. The idea of bulimia was intriguing except for one little detail: I abhor vomiting so I could never bring myself to do.

Knowing that I only need to lean over and cough makes things much easier. I am not sure why this is even an issue since I had gastric bypass and have lost 37lbs in 34 days, but apparently the eating disorders die hard.

Oh, and also? There’s The Nausea™. Oh sweet lord, it is the most mind-bending nausea EVER, and it is often accompanied by physical pain which makes it that much more pleasant. Imagine, if you will, the sickest you’ve ever been. Perhaps a bout of food poisoning or a stomach flu. Then imagine someone parks a car on your chest and the tires of that car repeatedly stab you. That is what it feels like. I was supposed to start the Stage 4 bariatric diet yesterday, which is soft foods, but there is no way in hell. The Nausea™ is so bad when I eat something that I don’t even want to try.

These three phenomenon definitely go down in my Things I Wish I Had Known About the Surgery Before Having the Surgery book. Because really? I may have considered the lapband a little more if I had known that this part of the process was so rough.

In happier news, I have lost 31lbs in 3 weeks. I have to admit, that pretty much negates the trauma of The Vomitting™.

What mental crap? I think it is not shocking to find that anyone who is in a position to “need” gastric bypass probably has issues with food. Just because I had the surgery doesn’t mean my issues with food were magically erased, as much as I would have liked them to be. Instead, my issues with food have decided to rally together as one central force to drive me the rest of the way insane.

For instance, I learned last night that after my post-op surgeon’s visit tomorrow, I can have cottage cheese. I nearly cried. I thought I couldn’t eat anything for a few more weeks and then upon finding out that I can have something resembling food as soon as tomorrow? Seriously almost cried.

I should point out here that I am not hungry. Hungry isn’t something I have felt since the surgery. So my desire to chew and swallow is purely mental. Knowing this is like knowing Pandora’s box was just delivered to your home via UPS. How can you not open it?!?!

I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to be so enthralled by a container of cottage cheese that I lose my mind, eat the entire container while standing in front of the open fridge, and then my new stomach will explode and I’ll DIE all because I wanted cottage cheese!

And that is just a small sample of the “mental” crap and how hard my mind seems to be working against me right now. Surely, this too will pass, right?

I dare say that there are people in this world who do the opposite of what I have done. They see bariatric surgery as a quick fix and hop on the wagon train with little understanding as to what they are taking on. I thought about having weight loss surgery for years. I’ve spent hours and hours reading articles, web sites, medical journals, and books on the topic of bariatric surgery. I “investigated” my surgeon, checked his credentials, checked out his practice partner. I looked at mortality rates, success stories and failure stories. In short, I did not decide to have this surgery on a whim and I have more than done my homework.

The bottom line is that conventional weight loss methods will not work for me. I have tried changing my diet and exercising without seeing even the slightest result. I got myself an overpriced gym membership and busted my ass for 3 months, along with not eating a single thing that wasn’t an uncooked vegetable. You know what that got me? NOTHING. I didn’t lose a single pound. I sat in my doctor’s office and cried after I got off the scale.

There’s nothing wrong with my thyroid or anything else that the docs can think to run a test on, so the answer I have been given is this: I have sucky genes and I am a diabetic. When you are a diabetic, your body holds onto the weight a little harder, apparently, making it even more difficult to lose weight.

Where does that leave me? If conventional methods aren’t working because my body is doing its damnedest to hang onto the weight, where exactly does that leave me? It leaves me either stuck in a medical situation that will eventually kill me, or it leaves me with bariatric surgery.

I am having said surgery on Thursday, July 1st, 2010. I am optimistic, but scared. Mostly, I am tired of being fat. I am tired of people judging me based on my size, which is such a little part of who I am as a person. I am tired of being limited in my activities and what I can and cannot do. I’m tired of having to order my clothes from a catalog because stores don’t carry sizes big enough to fit me. I am tired of being made fun of for my size. I am also tired of people judging me for taking this route. Perhaps other weight loss methods work for you, but believe me when I say they do not work for me, so please don’t judge me for making the choice I HAD to make.

1. Collectors :: Antiques
2. Passion :: Fruit
3. Winner :: Games
4. Uninhibited :: Free
5. Challenge ::Yourself
6. Self :: Assurance
7. Your ::Mine
8. Viewer ::Observer
9. Random :: Thoughts
10. Vice :: Sin

My Fair Lazy by Jen Lancaster:  Irreverent, hysterical, and completely likeable, Jen Lancaster’s fifth memoir promises to be a HOOT. There’s no words, really, to describe exactly how much fun reading her books are. I <3 JL 4 Ever.

Jane Slayre by Charlotte Bronte and Sherri Browning Erwin:  In the same vein as Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Jane Slayre is the classic Jane Eyre, but with a heap of vampires, zombies, and other ghoulies. It seems like too much fun!

Sizzling Sixteen by Janet Evanovitch:  Stephanie Plum, the lovable and completely inept bounty hunter from New Jersey is back in the 16th installment in the series. What can you say about this series? None of these novels are War and Peace. What they ARE is a good time. The entire series is fluffy and funny and silly and the characters are precious. I love this series and can’t wait to check out book 16!

Cheat the Grave (Sign of the Zodiac, Book 5) by Vicki Pettersson: OK, so every single time I try to describe this series to someone, they give me a look like the stupid is just pouring off of me. It is difficult to describe without making the series sound queer, so I am not even going to try. I will say that I adore the series. Pettersson is quickly becoming one of my favs in the supernatural genre. I can’t wait to read what happens next! (Really, check the series out. It is so good!)

Spider Bones (A Temperance Brennan Novel) by Kathy Reichs:  The basis for the hit TV show Bones, Reichs’ forensic anthropologist heroine Temperance Brennan returns in another chilling mystery. What will Brennan do when she discovers that the dead body she is dealing with is a man who already died 40 years ago? I don’t know what she will do, but I can’t wait to find out!

Death’s Excellent Vacation by Charlaine Harris:  Charlaine Harris is not the only author representing in this collection of supernatural short stories. Katie McAllister, Jeaniene Frost and others contribute to the tome with tales of witches, werewolves, telepaths, and mayhem. I love these collections because I often am introduced to new authors I would have otherwise missed.

The Winter Garden by Kristin Hannah: After the death of their father, two sisters find that their Russian heritage that their mother is so tight-lipped about is hiding in the fairy tales she told them as children. Reluctant at first, the two sisters set out to learn the truth behind the tales. Who doesn’t love a good fairy tale? Even better, a Russian fairy tale? I absolutely loved Hannah’s Firefly Lane and I am excited to read something else by her.

There could be later additions, but this is it for now!

So, here’s part two of the post-op/summer reading list.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame Smith: OK, so I am a little behind on this book. I picked it up once before and was very amused by the title, but ultimately dropped it for something more shiny (probably).  So this novel takes Jane Austen’s original work and adds in some zombie flavor. Maybe Elizabeth eats Darcy’s brain (or vice versa). The possibilities are scrumptious (in a non-zombie eating way).

Don’t You Forget About Me by Jancee Dunn:  Lily is a Manhattan tv producer who finds herself suddenly dumped by her husband who declares that he “is bored.” Lily leaves the high pressure of the city and heads home just in time for her 20-year high school reunion. This novel is supposed to be chock full of ’80s nostalgia (for heaven’s sake, the title is from an 80′s song!) and reminiscing about times gone by. Lily is apparently so taken with the 80′s nostalgia and the feelings of home, she starts behaving quite like her teenage self. *SQUEE*

If You Knew Suzy by Katherine Rosman: Katherine Rosman is in a horrible position. Her mother, Suzy, is dying of cancer at the age of 60. Stumbling through the grief and pain, Katherine, a reporter for the Wall Street Journal, begins to “investigate” her mother. Who was she? How did people remember her? Where did she go on her solo summer vacations? I can’t wait to read this one. Having some experience in the mother-loss area, I am intrigued by the idea of investigating a parent for the person they were to others.

Dead in the Family by Charlaine Harris:  The 10th installment in the Sookie Stackhouse series! Need I say more?! Yes – watch True Blood on HBO. It’s all too delicious for words.

Spooky Little Girl by Laurie Notaro: Lucy Fisher comes home from a vacation to find that she has been vacated! Fired from her job and dumped by her boyfriend, things look pretty glum. Then, Lucy gets hit by a bus and even then can’t catch a break. Instead of just being dead and passing into the afterlife, Lucy must complete a ghostly assignment before she gets her wings. How awesome is that? Laurie Notaro RULES and I so love that she is dipping into fiction!

So there’s another 5 on my reading list. Leave me a comment with what is on your summer reading list!

More of the reading list to come!

Also, I’ve received some recommendations that look fabulous, so I figured I would put together my post-op reading list, or a summer reading list for you non-surgically challenged folks.

Here we go, in no particular order.

You’ll Never Blue Ball In This Town Again, by Heather McDonald: Ok, so I lied a little bit. I <3 the title of this sassy memoir so much that it had to be first on my list. Known best for her appearances as a round table guest on my fav show Chelsea Lately, Heather McDonald is a comedienne, wife, mother, and apparently she does not put out. Or at least she didn’t if we believe the title of her memoir. This book has only been out for about a week and it is getting fantastic and hysterical reviews. I cannot wait!

The Help, by Kathryn Stockett:  During the height of the Civil Rights Movement, three women come together to shed light on the disturbing relationship between southern whites and the way they treat their black maids. Sounds super heavy, but it is also excellently reviewed, so it goes on the list.

How Did You Get This Number? by Sloane Crosley:  I am FUCKING giddy over the prospect of reading this book. I read Crosley’s I Was Told There’d Be Cake and simply adored it. She is in the elite class of authors who make me squee and laugh aloud. Truly, she is spectacular.

The Department of Lost and Found, by Allison Winn Scotch: I’ve not read Winn Scotch before, but I am totally impatient to do so. In this novel, the main character Natalie seems to have it all. That is until she finds out she really does have it all: cancer. Then, her cheating boyfriend leaves her. After Natalie becomes hopelessly addicted to The Price Is Right, she does life examiney stuff. It sounds sooooo good.

Tales of the Otherworld, by Kelley Armstrong:  Vampires and Witches and Weres, Oh My! Kelley Armstrong is one of my fav paranormal fiction writers. TOTO is a collection of short stories about otherworldly characters. Some characters are familiar if you are a reader of her books, and some are brand new. Love, love, love her and can’t wait to read the shorts.

OK, I just decided to break this into a few posts. My ass hurts from sitting here. I’ll be back later with more booktasticness.