Spell-bound.Net

As of today, I’ve lost 100lbs since July 1, 2010. I’d say more, but the tears are in the way.

Night before the surgery (6-30-2010) is on the left. Today (11-18-2010) is on the right.

NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow and I am all stressed out about it. Because I said this was The Year (TM). The year that finally, finally, finally, I finish the novel that’s been knocking around in my head for 6 years. And I want this to be The Year. But I feel so unprepared.

I’m going to go breathe into a paper sack now.

It’s funny, this question. People are always saying, “I could never live without…” Me included. There was a time when I thought my life couldn’t possibly go on without my mother, but then I had the misfortune of finding out that when force, I could go on without her.  There was a boy I thought I couldn’t live without until he walked away.

Among the more trivial, I used to think I couldn’t live without Diet Coke® or ice cream or bread. In my post-gastric bypass world, I am getting along just fine without them.

In a weird way, I learned exactly what I could do without once I experienced both big and little losses (not that losing my mother is like not being able to drink a Diet Coke. You get what I am saying here).

But I do have a “I Could NEVER Give This Thing Up” list. On it, good books. I think I’ll go read one now.

Man, this writing prompt is a downer. I don’t have any heroes, thus could not be let down by them. #ThisWasADud

Dear Sarah McLachlan,

I don’t exactly know how to describe what it feels like when I’m in That Place. It’s a lot like needing to curl in on oneself in order to protect oneself. When I am in That Place, there is no other music that can heal me or help me, but yours. Particularly your CD Fumbling Towards Ecstasy.

I still remember the first time I heard a song of yours. I was an undergrad and a friend of mine was playing one of your CDs in her car. I was mesmerized by the melody and enchanted by your vocals. Only later, when I would find out your name, the name of the CD, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy, and purchase a copy of my own, would I come to bow down in complete awe of you.

I was in awe of the response you could illicit from me, not just with your voice, but with your words.

but I fear
I have nothing to give
I have so much to lose
here in this lonely place
tangled up in our embrace
there’s nothing I’d like
better than to fall

-Fear

Right after my mom died, Full of Grace was my…all. I wrapped it around me like a blanket and allowed myself to be lost.

The winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
To long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

So it’s better this way, I said
Having seen this place before
Where everything we said and did
Hurts us all the more
Its just that we stayed, too long
In the same old sickly skin
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go

If all of the strength
And all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love

-Full of Grace

Oh, and Gloomy Sunday…there are no words for what your cover of that song evokes within me.

Soon though, I found I could take in the joy of songs like Ice Cream, your cover of Blackbird, and see the “bigger picture” through World On Fire.

Without your voice and your songs, there were days when, well I am not sure what would have happened. So I thank you for being you and doing what you do. I’ll end my letter with my absolute favorite song by you.

Thank you for everything.

Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.

O divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Amen

-Prayer of St. Francis